The Countdown List

10 Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
-See my kids grown up and happy
-Travel Europe
-Be caught up on my albums
-be off all my lupus meds
-be at peace with everyone in my family
-read 10 or more of "The Classics"
-workout regularly
-stay at my ideal weight
-feel accomplished
-have my home exactly how we want it

9 Places I Last Spent Money:
-Target
-dry cleaners
-Walgreens
-Nibble's Play Cafe
-Dominick's
-Domino's
-Jimmy John's
-Fresh Market
-MyGym

8 Sounds I Routinely Hear Around My House:
-TV
-Dog licking/scratching/the occasional woof
-Mikey
-Ed's pager
-Microwave beep
-Computer humming
-Locuts (day) and Crickets (night)
-Fish tank filter

7 Real Restaurants Where I Last Ate Out:
- Buffalo diner
-Carlos'
-Ordered in: Jimmy Johns
-Ordered in: Domino's
-Nibbles Play Cafe
-McDonald's
-Noodles

6 Things I've Recently Scratched Off My To-Do List:
- paying bills
- cleaners
-Target
-Vacuuming
-Going to the SSA
-Accepting Will's situation

5 People Would Like to Be With Right Now:
- Sarah
-Renee
-Marcy (FL)
-Kim
-Marisa

4 Songs That Make Me Happy:
-Mmm Bop (yes, really)
-Like a Prayer
-Tempted
-At Last

3 Things I Hate To Do:
-clean
-change poopy diapers
-get up in the morning

2 Things I'm Really Good At:
-entertaining/throwing parties
-cooking

1 Bad Habit:

-My diet Coke or Coke Zero consumption

Walk with me?

I somehow have put off forming my "team" for this year's lupus walk. Perhaps I've been preoccupied. Perhaps it's because I myself can hardly walk to the bathroom, let alone a mile. Perhaps it's b/c of the drama, but whatever it is, I need to do it. I need to be one of the hundreds (thousands?) walking downtown on Sept 6th. I had grand aspirations about 3 months ago of having a bunch of people with me to celebrate my 25th Anniversary of fighting lupus... and it got put on the back burner. I've done nothing besides thought about it occasionally. Very occasionally if that. But the fact of the matter is that probably the night of the 5th, I'll register for the walk, make plans with Ed and the little man to trek to the city, don my shirt from last year or the year before, and hobble a mile. I am not going to ask people to give money-- we already did that with the honorarium. I would just like it if I had a whole boat-load of people there with me. We could make a party out of it or something.

So if you want to join me, send me a comment, visit this website http://walkforlupusnowil2008.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=274110 and let me know where to meet you. It's always good to do things with friends, yk?

Off to get another steroid shot, take *more* tylenol, and hit the sack. Remind me to buy stock in Tylenol, btw...

The man I married is...

How long have you been married? not quite 6 Years
How long did you date? 18 months, exactly
How old is he? 36
Who eats more? Him
Who said I love you first? He did.
Who is taller? Him. Everyone's taller than me!
Who sings better? tough call. He has a good singing voice.
Who's temper is worse? I'm meaner when I'm upset, but he's got the short fuse
Who does the laundry? Always me, all of it.
Who pays the bills? me
Who cooks dinner? 80% me, 15% the cooks at the restaurant, 5% him
Who mows the lawn? He does. I wish a lawn service did b/c it's 2 1/2 hrs out of our weekend!
Who wears the pants in the family? me, though he'll argue that til the sheep come home, and they stay out later than cows. ;)

You REALLY want to know?

No one ever seems to "get" what a lupus flare feels like so, seeing as I'm pretty well acquainted with mine at the moment, I thought I'd fill you in...

1. Open eyes and stand in front of a fan on high for 10 minutes. Do not blink or look away. When 10 minutes is over and your eyes feel like stinging crunchy little balls and hurt worse when you cry, you can move away from the blowing air.

2. Slam your fingers in the car door then put on big Mickey Mouse type gloves. Try to pick up a toddler. Oh, and stop using your thumbs all together so you can grip like the cat-- the declawed cat. Remember, your thumb joint right by your palm has gotten slammed in that car door!

3. Get kicked in the side of the knee, both of them. Hips too, but the inside part. Hard to kick, I know, but that's where the pain is. After the shock of the pain when you bend your joint, slice it open and pour sand inside your knee so that it hurts even more.

4. Twist both ankles severely so it hurts like hell to put your weight on them. Don't reach for crutches-- they won't help and you can't use them anyway.

5. Drop bricks on your feet so they swell.

6. Slice open your feet and put little marbles under the skin so that when you walk (if you can) it always feels like you're walking on rocks, er, marbles.

7. Don't sleep for 3 days straight. Feel the exhaustion? Ok, now that will be the level that you live with despite 10 hrs of sleep at night plus naps. You can not catch up no matter how hard you try.

8. Get punched in the jaw so that your jaw joint swells and you can't shut your mouth. Try to eat/chew.

9. Tie your ribs together (surgical procedure done at the kitchen table ;) ) with razor wire and put an anvil on your chest. When you try to breathe, it will cause you excruciating pain which is a million times worse when you lie down. Have fun sleeping! And fwiw, you'll have problems ever eating ribs again for as long as you live.

How to get rid of it? Wait. None of the meds ever really work anyway, so just wait and pray for relief. Pray for sympathy which won't come b/c you still have your hair and there's not a descently popular celebrity out there that is campaigning for your cause. Wait til it goes away before the meds that might work cause you more harm than good.

Lupus is real and I hate it with every ounce of my being. HATE IT.

Scared and worried.

I need prayers for me and my baby. I have lupus and found out yesterday that I'm making, albeit in small amounts, the antibodies that can harm the baby's electrical system in his heart. :( There is NOTHING we can do. NOTHING. NADA ZIP ZILCH. I can't take a bunch of immunosuppressants or steroids b/c a) the side effects might cause preterm labor and b) a lot of the immunosuppressants you can't take in pregnancy b/c they're chemo drugs. I am convinced that if there is something wrong with this baby it is my fault even though there's nothing I can do to change my situation other than pray that I stop, out of nowhere, making the antibodies. I'm stuck. We're going to monitor the baby's heartbeat weekly-- we bought/rented a dopler with a recorder in it so if there's something odd that we hear, we can play it back for the dr. DH at least knows what to listen for, but takes the "tough love" approach with me, telling me I'm over reacting and to stop acting like a basket case. There was no taking me in his arms and telling me it's all going to be ok. Infact there never is that sort of love from him, so that's kinda putting a stress on this whole thing. I pointed out to him that I dealt with him being an anxious mess for like 3mths before his boards so he can deal with me for a little while, but he just wasn't and isn't there in the way I need and I don't know if he has it in him to be what I need even though I tell him what I need in a million different ways, hoping one of the ways will be comprehendable. When he left for Boston today I could hardly kiss him good-bye and when he called this evening he didn't tell me that he loved me. I have a pit in my stomach that's hugely cavernous from all of this. I need him right now, but not the him that he's being.

UGH. I'm going to bed b/c it's the place where I won't perseverate on this.

10 Things....

1) Right now I want: to get rid of my cold and cough
2) I wish I knew how to: bake a descent pie
3) When I want to indulge myself, I: eat ice cream
4) You'll never see me:
5) A childhood memory that I love: camp
6) 2 things I do every single day: SLEEP! and kiss the Little Man good-night
7) Happiest moment of 2008, so far: getting pregnant and staying pregnant
8) Describe yourself in 3 words: passionate, loyal, sarcastic
9) 2 goals for this year: finish Little Man's baby book and keep working out
10) You have $40 that you MUST spend on yourself - what do you do with it? Probably buy books, shoes, or fun jewelry. Or maternity clothes. :)

Fun Survey... stolen from Clovergirl's blog

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments. What do you buy?
1. Produce: bananas
2. Bakery: chocolate cake
3. Meat: fish, either salmon or if you gave me lots of money, grouper
4. Frozen: ice cream
5. Dry goods: goldfish crackers

Let's say we are heading out for a warm weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?
1. Cropped sweatpants
2. tanktop
3. bathing suit

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?
1. On your bottom, please.
2. I'm your wife, not your mother.
3. Odin, get away from Little Man!
4. What now!??! (when the phone rings)

So, what 4 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn't get to do, you probably wouldn't be in the best mood?
1. Sleep
2. eat
3. spending time alone with Little Man, just focused on him and me
4. Did I say sleep? :)

You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?
1. Getting caught by every light b/c the person in front of me is driving 5mph under the speed limit and I can not pass them
2. People who block intersections
3. Potholes. Lots of potholes in my lane.

Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?
1. Nap
2. Laying on the couch catching up on tivo'd shows
3. Surf the web
4. Doing something creative or putzing in my craft room
5. Organzing something

We're going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it will have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?
1. Elephants
2. Big Cats
3. Monkeys/Primates

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick between 4, so what are you deciding between?
1. Lost (I know they don't tape infront of an audience, but if they did...)
2. Ellen
3. Days of Our Lives
4. Gossip Girl

You're hungry for ice cream. I'll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone. What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?
1. Banana
2. Dulce de leche
3. Chocolate and Peanut Butter swirl

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what's in there?
1. Wallet with no cash but lots of coins in it
2. Samsung stripe cell phone
3. 3 tubes of lipstick, one is actually more of a gloss-wand type
4. Lots of receipts and pieces of paper
5. a barf bag from the ER

You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Lets pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?
1. Actress
2. Pop Star
3. Stylist
4. Fashion mag editor

Kids need manuals

OMG I'm having an anxiety attack... dang pampers.com website sending me articles on parenting and the mommy-guilt is full force. UGH! I'm doing my best, Mike is such a happy guy. We do 2 classes a week, music and a gym class (MyGym). I try to get in playdates, we go shopping, I play with him naming colors, shapes, animals. I sign as much as I can and I think that falls on "blind eyes". But I start reading these Q&A's about stuff and am freaking out that I've just been doing this all wrong.1. I don't brush his teeth *every* day. Probably 3-4x a week b/c he is so squirmy to it now that his molars are in. I'm convinced now that he'll have a lifetime of tooth decay and root-canals.2. I don't read to him a story everyday. We talk, we sing, but reading? Have you MET my kid? He won't hold still long enough to get through the 1st verse of Humpty Dumpty, let alone the Pokey Little Puppy! I'm sure he'll be behind in vocabulary and that it's going to effect his, well, his everything.3. The tv's on grown-up shows around him. Usually. But he doesn't watch them. I know he's picking up on stuff and will become a mob-hit-man, or an interior designer (the latter being pretty handy actually). Or... I am totally serious when I say he pays no attention to the tv. Seasame Street, Let's Go Show, Telletubbies, nothing keeps his attention for more than like a minute at most. 4. I give him a bottle occasionally AND he still uses a binky (but only at night). Its soothing for him and helps him chill out. Convinced he's going to have huge oral fixations as a result, be a smoker, a nail biter, over eater, etc.5. He doesnt like milk. He'll only drink like 5-7 oz a day. I give him cheese, yogurt and butter for calcium and fat, but what kid doesn't like milk? I'm going to be that wacky mom, aren't I?I know there's more but I can't think right now. Can we say "too many hormones?" Someone peel me off the ceiling, please!!!

No, I didn't fall off the planet

But I do have a few choice words for people:

Just because I walk right by you doensn't mean I'm not talking to you.

You're one little change in your diet isn't going to do a damn thing for your cholesterol. Losing the 50 pounds you desperately need to will though.

I'm not dramatic, I'm worried.

It's the little things in friendship that define it. When there are no little things, there's not a friendship.

That's great that you're really into wine, but you're not that cool if you can't pronounce sommellier correctly.

No, I don't want to help plant flowers. Yes I like them. No, I don't want to help. Really.

Just b/c I'm 10 years younger than you doesn't mean I'm not serious about what we're doing.

When someone talks to you, esp a certain group of people, you'd better be paying attention.

Dishes in the sink are not in the dishwasher. They don't get in the dishwasher on their own either. If you can replace a hip, you can load a dishwasher correctly.

When I say to keep my private life (my life in general) private, I mean it. Like how celebrities simply say "That's my private life, I'm not answering that question or discussing it." Learn how to do that.

If she's that way at 45, I would hate to see her at 65.

Don't give me the excuse that you don't have a dollar for the LFAI, tell me why you didn't give in the 1st place.

Two pounds over my clinically ideal body weight is not "fat". When I have to adjust your weight to calculate your BMR, that's fat.

You'd have a great coat of fur if you didn't shed every time you turn around.

The dog's dish is not a buffet. Organic salmon and sweet potato, yes, but still, not a buffet.

Long Grove is not in Iowa. Stop acting like it is.

Really, the ball isn't something you personally want to go to. Trust me. Watching people toss around thousands of dollars is going to do nothing good for your self-esteem.

Just take the pills and don't tell anyone. If you don't tell anyone, who the hell will know? You take a freakin' baby aspirin daily, take those too. The world will be a nicer place for all of us.

It's a small world. Don't talk negatively about my friends to another one of my friends. Or if you're going to criticize, be constructive and choose those words carefully.

The world is not all freakin' rainbows and puppies. Do you need me to lift the rock you live under?

There are some things I refuse to accept. Ever. I dont care if it will be bad for me in the long run. Please do not try to change my mind but see things from my POV instead.

The relationships we have with our dad's are COMPLETELY different. I'll handle this my way, now see the previous statement.

If you smoke, you're stupid. If you do it exactly 15 feet from the door AND upwind, you're an asshole.

I know what I'm eating. I didn't go to school for 7 years to not know. Do you know what you're NOT eating?

Plastic earrings are tacky. Very tacky. Right up there with hose and open toed sandals.


I think that's all I can manage to spew out right now. Whomever is brewing in me has got me in SUCH a mood and I can't tell people (well, not everyone) what I think, so it's all hear for your entertainment.

Enjoy and maybe learn a thing or two. Maybe something up there applies to you....

Check In

I'm going to try to be fast, but it's nice to just spew it all out, every last thought of it all. So here's what's been up since I recovered from the Little Man's B-day party...

The FET is tomorrow. That is a TRANSFER, not implantation, transferance, or impregnation, of the 2 embryos that will thaw out around 1 tomorrow and be put into my "oven" around 2pm. I'm starting to feel slightly slightly more normal hormonally which if this takes, it will last 3 days. I don't know if I can put my body through this again, but I probably will... anyway, after the transfer is 2 days (give or take) of "bedrest"-- I can get up to go to the bathroom, but other than that I get to sit on the couch and attempt to stay sane. I know, you wish you could be so lucky as to be forced to sit on the couch/lay on the couch. But when you get there, you think off all the millions of things you'd rather be doing or should be doing.

So the doctor wants me on "limited activity" until the pregnancy test is confirmed, which now that I think of it is either 2 weeks or until they get a heartbeat? Oh dear Lord... this could get ugly. Limited Activity is no working out, no lifting of anything that basically is heavier than the phone, the remote or my purse (HA! Clearly dr has not ever picked that thing up!). Do nothing that moves any muscle too much or raises my heartrate above resting or my blood pressure. Limited trips up/down stairs. No picking up Little Man. And THAT folks is where it becomes a royal PITA. Big huge PITA. Ginormous. If we had known this sooner, we could have gotten a nanny for the 2 weeks, but instead we're scrambling to get family to help. This only has caused problems and made it clear to us where we stand in certain families minds (like if a million bucks were falling to the bottom of the sea and we were drowning, they'd go for the money. Make that 100 bucks. We're aparently not worth much.). As a result of this news, I did spend the greater part of today making food for Little Man-- chicken stew, tuna casserole, spaghetti with meat and mushroom sauce, steamed fish (plain), French toast, cereal, and carmelized bananas (for the toast). I baked up 4 potatoes too, which will be nice to have around for all of us. Baked in flavor, microwave cooking time. ;) My body can't take standing like that-- my knees are gonna pay for it tomorrow and I'm going to need to rest. Hey wait, I'll have 2 days of rest! No problems here folks... (eyes rolling)

Little Man is still the love of our lives. Last Saturday he started waving, but he doesn't do it often and we haven't gotten it on film. I think he's beginning to understand "no!", but he laughs when I say it! He will clap if I ask him to clap for me and occasionally when he's excited. Today on our way to music class, he was fussy so I started singing the welcome song and he just lit up... and was very happy when we got there but not about holding still! Starting swimming on Monday morning which was fun. It's just a Mommy-and-Me type so not too many tears. The water was like a freakin' bathtub-- I was sweating by the end of class. Ed gets to go the next 2 weeks which should be interesting to say the least. There are 2 other babies (one who's mom came fully coiffed AND in a bikini!) but the rest of the kids are about 2 years old. My goal is to just aclimate Little Man so he doesn't freak out at the lake this summer. His newest trick: He sort of can drink from a straw too-- that started today which tickles me to the gills. Loathe sippy cups! He's really figuring out his toys and what they do. He's got the FP Zoo that makes all the sounds and loves the tiger roaring. He'll open the flap, take out the tiger, put back the tiger, close the flap, over and over. Really cute. Did I mention anywhere that we did the zoo Friday? SO FUN! He giggled the whole time-- thought the polar bears and the camels were a hoot. He still doesn't like meat and has figured out how to spit food out so my previously non-chalant eater has become PICKY! UGH! No avocado, no chicken, no beef, no tomato if it has so much as a SPECK of meat on it... but he did eat a whole tomato and can put down a whole banana so... DH swears Mike can not be his child w/ this hatred for meat. Makes me laugh. He ate a whole egg this morning though, so all hope is not lost. The tomato-chicken incident was the funniest-- he spit out the diced tomato, picked off the chicken, then ate the tomato. Seriously. Too freakin' funny.

In Ed's world... Obsessed with the yard. He got all kinds of plants over the weekend for the beds and, yes they're pretty, but they need WATER. They need water that the sprinkler system can't provide. I have to water them. And he got me herbs so I want to take care of the herbs... those he planted in pots too. Then I moved the pots so the sprinkler hits them. Take that dear hubby! I may be blonde but I know how to avoid yard work! So blame the rains on me b/c I'm out there with the danged hose. Did I mention that the spicket for said hose is back behind a ton of bushes? About 10 feet of them, give or take, to maneuver through-- and the spider webs that lay across them-- to get to the flippin thing. There has got to be an easier way. Stay tuned on that and sit tight for the day I utter how much I love to garden (hell will freeze over).

And a few last thoughts to wrap things up...
To my neighbors: KEEP YOUR DAMN DOGS IN YOUR OWN YARDS!
To the people in front of me on the road: Cryptic vanity plates are not cool. Save yourself the dinero.
and...To the RN at the dr's office: NO a 1 year old CAN NOT climb up into the car. EVER.

buh-de-buddy-de-buddy-de... that's all folks!

Popular!

I have come to realize over about the last year that there are 2 very precarious things in life: Popularity and Friendship. It seems as though culturally, we have such an emphasis on having a lot of friends, a full social calendar, and that if we don't have a solid network of friends and are not invited to all the hottest parties and aren't going out every weekend, that there's something fundamentally wrong with us. I get that humans, apes, are "social creatures" that live in groups, not alone like, say, a bear (you never see groups of them, maybe 2 or 3, but not like 10, so I figure they're rather solitary creatures). But do we need that interaction or is it culturally imposed on us to have these relationships? Why is it that when the relationships fall from grace, so does our self-esteem? Why do we often overestimate the importance of the relationship, either from our POV or from that of the other person? Why do we maintain "toxic" relationships? Why is it sometimes harder to let go of these than it is to stay in them? Why do have such difficulty being open, and honest, and in discussing our feelings *about* our friendships with our friends? What makes one friend closer in one emotional realm and another in another? Do we "rank" our friends, our *good* friends, in our hearts even without thinking about it?

This is just stuff that's been stuck in my mind for a while... I've been biten (and I know quite a few other people) sharply a couple times, yet I muster on and I have to wonder why.

(...cogitate...)

Blog Challenge: Getting to know you

I tweeked it a little, changing some things to make it more "general" for me...

1) Right now I want: Go to bed
2) I wish I knew how to: bake fruit pies
3) When I want to indulge myself, I: shop!
4) You'll never see me: camping
5) A childhood memory that I love: Camp Michigania
6) 2 things I do every single day that aren't obvious/that everyone does: lovenox shots and sign to the Little Man
7) Happiest moment of 2008, so far: Tie between The Little Man's birthday party and knowing we have 2 embryos frozen-- hope for more babies
8) Describe yourself in 3 words: loyal, stubborn, creative
9) 2 goals for this year: get in shape and get pregnant (again)
10) You have $40 that you MUST spend on yourself – what do you do with it? probably new workout clothes, esp if I had to spend it this very second

Gary: “Fine, I’ll help you do the damn dishes.”
Brooke: “That’s not what I want. I want you to want to do the dishes.”
Gary: “Why would I want to do dishes?”

Not that that entirely summarizes my life, but there's a bomb that's gone off around here and someone's entrenched in a duel in Guitar Hero and it ain't me gettin' my butt whipped.

Where have I been you ask? It started with the mayhem of 3 days to prepare an Easter meal for 8 plus the Little Man which moved into 2 weeks prep for this past Saturday's 1st Birthday Party for the Little Man with a mere 25 or so people to the house. Easter was, in all honesty, one of the easier holiday's ever. Andy did a lot of the cooking and I was able to do table decor and the like, learn some new recipes which were super easy but looked hard, and our house was about done of the decorating we'd started. The Little Man held up but went down for a nap right before we ate so our meal was relaxed. (Note: Never buy little kid's rompers that are not a knit fabric that have snaps in the crotch. They don't stay snapped.) Food was good. House looked great. People left and my house was clean before they went. Lovely.

Then mayhem set really set in. I did it, I pulled it off, but I'll admit, I had staff to help. Gene, Dix, and Mimi rolled up sleeves and followed the to-do list. Make that LISTS, plural. They did a great job and I could not have done it without them b/c there are simply not enough hours in the day or days in the week. Mind you, what I could have them help with was not making food b/c the Big Man decided that we would make all the food ourselves. Please translate that to MYSELF. Though he did the burgers and brats and manned the grill... I did buy the corn salad/salsa, the chips, buns, ice cream, precut veggies, and some other short cuts, but basically I didn't have anyone bring anything homemade. The piece de-resistence: Three cakes-- one to smash, a giraffe, and a monkey that was standing up like a stuffed animal with a tiny "cake" infront with a "1" candle and Little Man's name on it. So cute and probably what I found the most impressive of everything. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, the kids were happy (no tears), the dog behaved, and my house is in one piece. And I am slowly eating through the remains of the monkey cake in the fridge: His head. Well, if you have a better way to carve a monkey (think teddy bear), please let me know.

That bar is now set so freakin' high I'm scared. Apparently I *have* out Martha'd Martha. And I AM EXHAUSTED.

We're having a party this summer to mark the summer solstice. I want to call it "Midsummer" something but am at a loss for words. The gears are going, the save the dates sent to the people who I know would appreciate them, and all I need to do is try to convince myself to keep it simple. (ha)

Last thing: I am officially leaving "work" at 7pm each day. I am doing nothing after 7 unless it's taking care of Little Man, or it is specifically something I want to do deep in my soul (like blog). I have 3 places that I can go that I am not "working": bed, my bathroom when it's not being played in or used by Little Man, and my closet. I'd say my craft room, but I keep all the household files down there at the moment so... but I just need time away from it all. Time to focus, relax, watch the dust fall and try to remember what day of the week it is and if it's Wednesday I'm gonna need to wipe it up at some point. I want time to actually miss my family, to feel like I need to be with them right this second, to be able to reflect and know how much I appreciate them and love them. I don't want to accidently start to take them and their love for granted.

Ok, there. I posted. I'll post pictures next time b/c right now I'm going to BED!

End Chapter One, Start Chapter Two

Quote to cogitate on:
Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? ~God to Evan in the movie, Evan Almighty

Chapter 1, con't
We met with the IVF dr yesterday who could only tell us that his only explanation for the miscarriage was genetic defect. Lovely. Granted best that things went the way they did, but still, never a definitive answer. We can not test the frozen embryos b/c they're too big, but will check the next ones for sure... and it has its pros and cons like $4000 but we get the genders of them which we all know will just be verification that the only sperm Ed makes are male. ;) And that ends Chapter 1.

Moving to Chapter 2: Another Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)
They drew labs yesterday to check my hormones and the HCG is ZERO, but my progesterone is still really super low, showing I haven't ovulated like I thought. But no big deal apparently. They started me on Prometrium, a progesterone supplement (oral, thank God), and I start Lupron on Wednesday (all set for the hot flashes and dryness! Bring on menopause!) and then go from there with the other hormones like more/different progesterone and the estrogen patches which I LOVE (seriously, they make me feel a.m.a.z.i.n.g.). I go the 4th for an ultrasound and bloodwork to check how things are going and when to actually start the progesterone and estrogen. Our dr does the transfers on April 23rd so we're tenatively set for then to move the 2 that are in the deep-freeze into the oven. It puts my due date around mid-January. Plan on if this takes for another winter akin to this one but with, somehow, more snow especially during the time when we're trying to travel to the hospital to actually deliver the baby(ies). But I'm getting ahead of myself...

God, Religion and Infertility

I posted on Scrapshare my conundrum... got a ton of responses that were very supportive. Here are my 2 posts== the, for lack of better terms, the alpha and omega. ;)

Ok, if you haven't read my posts or don't really know me, I can't get pregnant w/o IVF, and even then the "fresh" cycles don't seem to work. I absolutely CAN NOT get pregnant "naturally." We tried for SIX years w/o drs. Nothing. My question is this: for those of you who use no birth control and believe that how many children they have is not something they, but God, controls, how do you explain infertility? My gut, knee-jerk reaction is that God doesn't want me getting pregnant or having my own natural children. Then I move to the explanation that He wants me to take the "tougher" route. (Which makes no sense when I think about it) How do you explain man's way to conceive through IVF? Are those women who are able to get pregnant very easily meant to, in God's eyes, be mothers whereas those who don't/can't, are we not? How does religion, any, explain infertility?This is something I really stuggle with, spiritually. I have the Little Man , and he's a blessing I know. He'd be a one even if I didn't have to struggle like I did to get him. I just always wonder why God chooses some of us to have a harder time than others. Given the above, why did God give man the knowledge to reproduce via IVF and other technologies? My view is that it is going against God's wishes, but if He *really* didn't want you pregnant, you wouldn't ever get preg, yk? Like perhaps the infertility is a way of having you second think parenthood. That's how I am able to cope with doing IVF, personally, and that if I get pregnant with more children than is safe for them and me, that I would be able to selectively reduce. If I'm "playing God" to get pregnant, I will "play God" when it comes to aspects of it. If someone could give me some good, religious POV's on infertility, I'd really appreciate it. I'm also going to email this to my minister to get his op. Thanks for the explanations...Ok, if you haven't read my posts or don't really know me, I can't get pregnant w/o IVF, and even then the "fresh" cycles don't seem to work. I absolutely CAN NOT get pregnant "naturally." We tried for SIX years w/o drs. Nothing. My question is this: for those of you who use no birth control and believe that how many children they have is not something they, but God, controls, how do you explain infertility? My gut, knee-jerk reaction is that God doesn't want me getting pregnant or having my own natural children. Then I move to the explanation that He wants me to take the "tougher" route. (Which makes no sense when I think about it) How do you explain man's way to conceive through IVF? Are those women who are able to get pregnant very easily meant to, in God's eyes, be mothers whereas those who don't/can't, are we not? How does religion, any, explain infertility?This is something I really stuggle with, spiritually. I have the Little Man , and he's a blessing I know. He'd be a one even if I didn't have to struggle like I did to get him. I just always wonder why God chooses some of us to have a harder time than others. Given the above, why did God give man the knowledge to reproduce via IVF and other technologies? My view is that it is going against God's wishes, but if He *really* didn't want you pregnant, you wouldn't ever get preg, yk? Like perhaps the infertility is a way of having you second think parenthood. That's how I am able to cope with doing IVF, personally, and that if I get pregnant with more children than is safe for them and me, that I would be able to selectively reduce. If I'm "playing God" to get pregnant, I will "play God" when it comes to aspects of it. If someone could give me some good, religious POV's on infertility, I'd really appreciate it. I'm also going to email this to my minister to get his op. Thanks for the explanations...


Wow... I think this is the longest thread I"ve ever started and one that has definitely had a good conversation-- lots of insight. I actually had a moment last night while watching, of all movies "Evan Almighty" that made a poinient (sp?) statement. God was talking to Evan about why he wants him to build the ark and he says to him, "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" Go figure, but it hit home like a brick upside my head. I have prayed for children- lots of them, but they don't come the traditional way. Instead, God gave me things to get them: the technology, the patience, and the economic resources to get them. He didn't zap me pregnant. He gave me a strong maternal instinct. He lead us to a large house to fill with little lives. He gave me greeters in heaven who aren't my elder relatives-- something to look forward to. I kind of think that the infertility and lupus are indeed part of the sinned world we live in-- nothing I can do about it, but it is what it is.

Thanks to everyone for the strength and support. And for the record and update... I started Prometrium (progesterone) today and start lupron on Wednesday in prep for a frozen transfer on 4/23. Let's get praying for a set of twins! Or just one... someone to walk the Earth with me.

And on that note, off to bed b/c the new med is totally making me fall over asleep! I can hardly type!

BLOG CHALLENGE: Love/Hate with the 5 Senses

This challenge was to list out things you love and things you hate with your 5 senses. Some were harder than others...

I love the...

Smell of summer
Sight of Michael
Taste of ice cream
Sound of a friend's voice on the phone
Feel of clean sheets, cold on my bare feet


I hate the...

Smell of burnt popcorn
Sight of a child in pain
Taste of anything briney (like capers and olives)
Sound of whistling
Feel of an anxiety attack

BLOG CHALLENGE: A week of smiles

The Challenge this week was to find one thing each day that makes you smile, keep track of them and then post them at the end of the week. So I'm starting this post on Tuesday the 18th and then publishing it on the 25th. The reason this was chosen is that there are so many people in my group of friends that have been facing what seem to be insurmountable troubles and utter sadness lately; perhaps taking it all down to the moment-to-moment and finding those little good things that make us smile, focusing on them, can help us get through the big bad things.

Tuesday: Laughing til my stomach hurt with MKP
Wednesday: Watching Little Man tool around the family room, walking behind and overturned children's chair that he was using like a wheelbarrow.
Thursday: The neighbors' son's little puggle running in the other direction each time the kid (ok, he's like 20yrs old, not really a kid) called him. Completely playing chicken with him.
Friday: Odin, rolling in the snow, elated that it was back
Saturday: Finding the exact perfect color for our kitchen AND getting our couches back from the upholsterer
Sunday: Seeing my house all decorated for Easter
Monday: waking up to a clean house after entertaining the whole family, all nine of us

How did THIS happen?

As of 2 days ago, I was boycotting Easter secondary to insistance on the part of family members who remain annonymous on hostessing the holiday at their residence and making a "traditional lamb on a spit." I had conceeded last night to just having over my parents. Now, somehow, I am having EVERYONE over, nine total including the 3 of us, for Easter dinner *simply because* I voiced my opinion that since my family is so small (me and 2 parents) and we have the big house that it would be easiest for us all to come here.

As MKP said so perfectly, watch what you wish for.

And I really hope the couches are back in time or we're all kickin' it on the floor with the air mattress and some throw pillows. Now there's a sight.

See, I said that Monday's post was going to be worth reading. I don't lie... I do not lie...

If you want something DONE, do it yourself

Sunday evening I decided I'd chased the little man up the stairs one too many times and I'd asked Ed to put up the baby gates (yes, plural) one too many times. I took the gates out of the boxes, read the directions, and put up the one at the base of the basement stairs! It was so easy and took maybe 5 minutes. Then it was on to do the regular stairs where I encountered problems like the darn gate doesn't quite fit at the bottom and there's a decorative molding along the stairs that causes the gate to not sit level. hmph. So I had to employ the help of an outside party. I also couldn't get the magnetic safety latch onto the door of the bar (do I have to clean up the bottles AGAIN??), so I called Andy. In true Andy style, he couldn't help. Ok, I'll cut him some slack in that we didn't have the right drill bit... With luck he'll bring it this weekend and install the locks on the bar, fishtank, drawers, and cabinets. Little Man is just way too curious now and there's way too much stuff he could get hurt on.

In other news, I'm hosting Easter for the 3 of us, Mimi and Andy. Should be interesting. I just decided I'd do it as of last night--I'd been boycotting the holiday but that's just too long of a story and I don't really have the energy to write it all here.... I have nothing NOTHING set and I'm freaking out. Gotta make a menu, decide on table decor, get baskets made, plan the egg hunt for the Little Man, um... grocery shop, CLEAN! Lord, WHY am I doing this and not making reservations???

Stay tuned for the event summary on Monday. I'll also have an update from the IVF dr, so it should be good.

Gotta run... leaving for the city in an hour WITH Little Man. Yes, I'm out of my mind. Completely nuts. (but you knew that)

Photo: Sunset out the front door, Friday evening

I hate wallpaper

Ok, I don't hate it. I just hate taking it off and I hate the ugly stuff all over our house. I hate that I had to take the tank off the toilet to get the stuff off the wall and the toilet won't be usable til we paint the room b/c otherwise we'd have to take it off, put it on, etc. ANNOYING. I told Ed that our next room to paint is that bathroom and we're using the same stuff that we did in the living room b/c we have it around. Stonehouse, Ben Moore. I do something different when we redo the bathroom entirely at a later date.

So the weekend agenda is no longer the Pet Expo (damnit) but painting, sanding, and priming. I'd rather go stroll around the dogs.

Andy was over today and was his usual non-proactive help except for toilet tank removal and he was able to get the fixtures off the ceiling in the bathroom. He left after 3 hours (incl a lunch break) b/c he had plans that I didn't enquire about. When it comes to Andy, ignorance is bliss.

I think Mimi is coming over tomorrow to help with the painting but will probably just watch Mike as we putz with the house. Fine with me b/c someone has to do it. I do hope that Ed makes it a priority to get the childlocks on the cabinets (esp the bar which I'm really sick of having to put back together!) and the babygates. I doubt it though... There's got to be a service out there that will do the stuff for me. Somewhere.

Next week's plans are the usual activities (MyGym and Kindermusik) with Mike and I have a LFAI Board meeting on Tuesday. Dreading the meeting for some reason but I'm going out with MKP before hand which makes it easier. Mike also has a playgroup at a friend's house which will be fun. I just need to remember how to get there-- last time mapquest gave me terrible directions and the neighborhood is full of winding streets. Awful. But we haven't seen them for 2 weeks, so it will be nice to get together. I don't know what Ed's up to, if he's oncall or anything. Odin has great plans to persuade me to keep going for walks, despite the falling temps. I am really hoping to make a GSD file of the WordWorld dog and Big Bird and to learn how to make the really detailed files. Oh, Monday I'm going to talk with the personal training coordinator at the gym to get started with a trainer. After trying on new jeans and seeing the muffin top that was overflowing, I think it's time to do something about it. ;) The gym is 2.5 miles away too, so I have no excuse. They have daycare that's great and good yoga teachers and all the good stuff so really, again, no excuse. I think my problems are that I just like food too much and I simply am not fond of working out! The thought is though that if pay someone to make me go to the gym, then I'll go, and if I keep a food record I'll peel off the extra fluff. The record is really the only thing that's worked well in the past, so... I digress.

Ed wants to get to Home Depot soon so I need to get my face on and find some shoes for Mike and me. Maybe I'll just send the boys and go take a nap... mmm, sleep...

Introduction

Per a request from The Ice Princess (you know who you are) out west, I am now making a blog for all to read. It will consist primarily of my day-to-day life with random musings and other writing and photos interspursed. There will be antecdotes to make you laugh and cry. Sometimes you might even be inspired to send a story to a friend. Feel free.

So... I guess if this is the beginning I should introduce myself. Though to do so, I need to figure out who I am and that just gets waaaaaaay to philosophical for where my little mind is at right now. The basic is that I am a mid 30's "stay at home mom and wife". I live in suburban Chicago with my husband, almost 1 yr old son, our dog (Odin) and our 2 cats (Hannibal and Gabby). We are by no means Ozzie and Harriet, though we aren't Ted and Peg Bundy either. I'd say closer to Fred and Wilma... but I don't have her figure. I am educated, went to a big 10 university and my blood runs green from it. I even have a master's but will be the 1st to say that the only thing my time in grad school got me, education wise, was I grew up socially and spiritually. Going to Orono, Maine for 15 mths will change anyone permanently; I was not immune. I am, technically, a registered dietitian though I haven't practiced in years and don't ever intent on going back to it. I use my education now just to help me in the kitchen (my favorite room in the house... ok, it needs to be redone, but I still could just live in there). I absolutely love food and cooking and feeding people the food I make and will tout that I'm possibly the best cook I know that's not professionally trained (close 2nd to a few people whom I know dearly). I love being crafty, taking pictures, being with my girlies, smelling the spring air, laughing with Michael (my son), and cuddling on the couch with the dog. Yes, I love my husband. I tend to over explain. I tend to be tangential. I tend to ramble. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have paid the price for it time and time again. I am stubborn and can be self-righteous. I stand up for what I believe in. I am passionate. I have lupus and tell people, not because I want sympathy or pitty but because they need to know about the disease. I don't like drama in my life but I love gossip. I hold my friends close and tight. I like my alone time but don't like to be lonely. I get annoyed by stupid people or when people don't pay attention when they should. Igorance is one thing (I'm ignorant when it comes to a lot of things, stupid I am not though), stupid is just a pain. I have about a dozen tv shows that I watch regularly. I tivo most of them. My favorite color is orange but I don't like everything I own to be it. It's more of an accent color to me. I am loyal. I worry more than I should. I cry easily. I'm obsessive about the way I run the house-- it kinda freaks Ed out I think. I refuse to ever mow the lawn. I can't keep plants alive except for shamrocks and a single philadendron. I regret things and I carry some old bitter grudges but am hoping to work through those to realize that they have made me who I am today. There are people I want to tell off and I know I never will. There are people I want to tell that I love and I never will. I am impulsive. I am a Taurus. I have not one single gray hair but I have wrinkles and scars and a tattoo. I want Botox and a boob lift and a scar revision. I could go on all night.

That, folks, is the tip of the iceberg but I think gives you a good starting picture.