Scared and worried.

I need prayers for me and my baby. I have lupus and found out yesterday that I'm making, albeit in small amounts, the antibodies that can harm the baby's electrical system in his heart. :( There is NOTHING we can do. NOTHING. NADA ZIP ZILCH. I can't take a bunch of immunosuppressants or steroids b/c a) the side effects might cause preterm labor and b) a lot of the immunosuppressants you can't take in pregnancy b/c they're chemo drugs. I am convinced that if there is something wrong with this baby it is my fault even though there's nothing I can do to change my situation other than pray that I stop, out of nowhere, making the antibodies. I'm stuck. We're going to monitor the baby's heartbeat weekly-- we bought/rented a dopler with a recorder in it so if there's something odd that we hear, we can play it back for the dr. DH at least knows what to listen for, but takes the "tough love" approach with me, telling me I'm over reacting and to stop acting like a basket case. There was no taking me in his arms and telling me it's all going to be ok. Infact there never is that sort of love from him, so that's kinda putting a stress on this whole thing. I pointed out to him that I dealt with him being an anxious mess for like 3mths before his boards so he can deal with me for a little while, but he just wasn't and isn't there in the way I need and I don't know if he has it in him to be what I need even though I tell him what I need in a million different ways, hoping one of the ways will be comprehendable. When he left for Boston today I could hardly kiss him good-bye and when he called this evening he didn't tell me that he loved me. I have a pit in my stomach that's hugely cavernous from all of this. I need him right now, but not the him that he's being.

UGH. I'm going to bed b/c it's the place where I won't perseverate on this.