End Chapter One, Start Chapter Two

Quote to cogitate on:
Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? ~God to Evan in the movie, Evan Almighty

Chapter 1, con't
We met with the IVF dr yesterday who could only tell us that his only explanation for the miscarriage was genetic defect. Lovely. Granted best that things went the way they did, but still, never a definitive answer. We can not test the frozen embryos b/c they're too big, but will check the next ones for sure... and it has its pros and cons like $4000 but we get the genders of them which we all know will just be verification that the only sperm Ed makes are male. ;) And that ends Chapter 1.

Moving to Chapter 2: Another Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)
They drew labs yesterday to check my hormones and the HCG is ZERO, but my progesterone is still really super low, showing I haven't ovulated like I thought. But no big deal apparently. They started me on Prometrium, a progesterone supplement (oral, thank God), and I start Lupron on Wednesday (all set for the hot flashes and dryness! Bring on menopause!) and then go from there with the other hormones like more/different progesterone and the estrogen patches which I LOVE (seriously, they make me feel a.m.a.z.i.n.g.). I go the 4th for an ultrasound and bloodwork to check how things are going and when to actually start the progesterone and estrogen. Our dr does the transfers on April 23rd so we're tenatively set for then to move the 2 that are in the deep-freeze into the oven. It puts my due date around mid-January. Plan on if this takes for another winter akin to this one but with, somehow, more snow especially during the time when we're trying to travel to the hospital to actually deliver the baby(ies). But I'm getting ahead of myself...

God, Religion and Infertility

I posted on Scrapshare my conundrum... got a ton of responses that were very supportive. Here are my 2 posts== the, for lack of better terms, the alpha and omega. ;)

Ok, if you haven't read my posts or don't really know me, I can't get pregnant w/o IVF, and even then the "fresh" cycles don't seem to work. I absolutely CAN NOT get pregnant "naturally." We tried for SIX years w/o drs. Nothing. My question is this: for those of you who use no birth control and believe that how many children they have is not something they, but God, controls, how do you explain infertility? My gut, knee-jerk reaction is that God doesn't want me getting pregnant or having my own natural children. Then I move to the explanation that He wants me to take the "tougher" route. (Which makes no sense when I think about it) How do you explain man's way to conceive through IVF? Are those women who are able to get pregnant very easily meant to, in God's eyes, be mothers whereas those who don't/can't, are we not? How does religion, any, explain infertility?This is something I really stuggle with, spiritually. I have the Little Man , and he's a blessing I know. He'd be a one even if I didn't have to struggle like I did to get him. I just always wonder why God chooses some of us to have a harder time than others. Given the above, why did God give man the knowledge to reproduce via IVF and other technologies? My view is that it is going against God's wishes, but if He *really* didn't want you pregnant, you wouldn't ever get preg, yk? Like perhaps the infertility is a way of having you second think parenthood. That's how I am able to cope with doing IVF, personally, and that if I get pregnant with more children than is safe for them and me, that I would be able to selectively reduce. If I'm "playing God" to get pregnant, I will "play God" when it comes to aspects of it. If someone could give me some good, religious POV's on infertility, I'd really appreciate it. I'm also going to email this to my minister to get his op. Thanks for the explanations...Ok, if you haven't read my posts or don't really know me, I can't get pregnant w/o IVF, and even then the "fresh" cycles don't seem to work. I absolutely CAN NOT get pregnant "naturally." We tried for SIX years w/o drs. Nothing. My question is this: for those of you who use no birth control and believe that how many children they have is not something they, but God, controls, how do you explain infertility? My gut, knee-jerk reaction is that God doesn't want me getting pregnant or having my own natural children. Then I move to the explanation that He wants me to take the "tougher" route. (Which makes no sense when I think about it) How do you explain man's way to conceive through IVF? Are those women who are able to get pregnant very easily meant to, in God's eyes, be mothers whereas those who don't/can't, are we not? How does religion, any, explain infertility?This is something I really stuggle with, spiritually. I have the Little Man , and he's a blessing I know. He'd be a one even if I didn't have to struggle like I did to get him. I just always wonder why God chooses some of us to have a harder time than others. Given the above, why did God give man the knowledge to reproduce via IVF and other technologies? My view is that it is going against God's wishes, but if He *really* didn't want you pregnant, you wouldn't ever get preg, yk? Like perhaps the infertility is a way of having you second think parenthood. That's how I am able to cope with doing IVF, personally, and that if I get pregnant with more children than is safe for them and me, that I would be able to selectively reduce. If I'm "playing God" to get pregnant, I will "play God" when it comes to aspects of it. If someone could give me some good, religious POV's on infertility, I'd really appreciate it. I'm also going to email this to my minister to get his op. Thanks for the explanations...


Wow... I think this is the longest thread I"ve ever started and one that has definitely had a good conversation-- lots of insight. I actually had a moment last night while watching, of all movies "Evan Almighty" that made a poinient (sp?) statement. God was talking to Evan about why he wants him to build the ark and he says to him, "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" Go figure, but it hit home like a brick upside my head. I have prayed for children- lots of them, but they don't come the traditional way. Instead, God gave me things to get them: the technology, the patience, and the economic resources to get them. He didn't zap me pregnant. He gave me a strong maternal instinct. He lead us to a large house to fill with little lives. He gave me greeters in heaven who aren't my elder relatives-- something to look forward to. I kind of think that the infertility and lupus are indeed part of the sinned world we live in-- nothing I can do about it, but it is what it is.

Thanks to everyone for the strength and support. And for the record and update... I started Prometrium (progesterone) today and start lupron on Wednesday in prep for a frozen transfer on 4/23. Let's get praying for a set of twins! Or just one... someone to walk the Earth with me.

And on that note, off to bed b/c the new med is totally making me fall over asleep! I can hardly type!

BLOG CHALLENGE: Love/Hate with the 5 Senses

This challenge was to list out things you love and things you hate with your 5 senses. Some were harder than others...

I love the...

Smell of summer
Sight of Michael
Taste of ice cream
Sound of a friend's voice on the phone
Feel of clean sheets, cold on my bare feet


I hate the...

Smell of burnt popcorn
Sight of a child in pain
Taste of anything briney (like capers and olives)
Sound of whistling
Feel of an anxiety attack

BLOG CHALLENGE: A week of smiles

The Challenge this week was to find one thing each day that makes you smile, keep track of them and then post them at the end of the week. So I'm starting this post on Tuesday the 18th and then publishing it on the 25th. The reason this was chosen is that there are so many people in my group of friends that have been facing what seem to be insurmountable troubles and utter sadness lately; perhaps taking it all down to the moment-to-moment and finding those little good things that make us smile, focusing on them, can help us get through the big bad things.

Tuesday: Laughing til my stomach hurt with MKP
Wednesday: Watching Little Man tool around the family room, walking behind and overturned children's chair that he was using like a wheelbarrow.
Thursday: The neighbors' son's little puggle running in the other direction each time the kid (ok, he's like 20yrs old, not really a kid) called him. Completely playing chicken with him.
Friday: Odin, rolling in the snow, elated that it was back
Saturday: Finding the exact perfect color for our kitchen AND getting our couches back from the upholsterer
Sunday: Seeing my house all decorated for Easter
Monday: waking up to a clean house after entertaining the whole family, all nine of us

How did THIS happen?

As of 2 days ago, I was boycotting Easter secondary to insistance on the part of family members who remain annonymous on hostessing the holiday at their residence and making a "traditional lamb on a spit." I had conceeded last night to just having over my parents. Now, somehow, I am having EVERYONE over, nine total including the 3 of us, for Easter dinner *simply because* I voiced my opinion that since my family is so small (me and 2 parents) and we have the big house that it would be easiest for us all to come here.

As MKP said so perfectly, watch what you wish for.

And I really hope the couches are back in time or we're all kickin' it on the floor with the air mattress and some throw pillows. Now there's a sight.

See, I said that Monday's post was going to be worth reading. I don't lie... I do not lie...

If you want something DONE, do it yourself

Sunday evening I decided I'd chased the little man up the stairs one too many times and I'd asked Ed to put up the baby gates (yes, plural) one too many times. I took the gates out of the boxes, read the directions, and put up the one at the base of the basement stairs! It was so easy and took maybe 5 minutes. Then it was on to do the regular stairs where I encountered problems like the darn gate doesn't quite fit at the bottom and there's a decorative molding along the stairs that causes the gate to not sit level. hmph. So I had to employ the help of an outside party. I also couldn't get the magnetic safety latch onto the door of the bar (do I have to clean up the bottles AGAIN??), so I called Andy. In true Andy style, he couldn't help. Ok, I'll cut him some slack in that we didn't have the right drill bit... With luck he'll bring it this weekend and install the locks on the bar, fishtank, drawers, and cabinets. Little Man is just way too curious now and there's way too much stuff he could get hurt on.

In other news, I'm hosting Easter for the 3 of us, Mimi and Andy. Should be interesting. I just decided I'd do it as of last night--I'd been boycotting the holiday but that's just too long of a story and I don't really have the energy to write it all here.... I have nothing NOTHING set and I'm freaking out. Gotta make a menu, decide on table decor, get baskets made, plan the egg hunt for the Little Man, um... grocery shop, CLEAN! Lord, WHY am I doing this and not making reservations???

Stay tuned for the event summary on Monday. I'll also have an update from the IVF dr, so it should be good.

Gotta run... leaving for the city in an hour WITH Little Man. Yes, I'm out of my mind. Completely nuts. (but you knew that)

Photo: Sunset out the front door, Friday evening

I hate wallpaper

Ok, I don't hate it. I just hate taking it off and I hate the ugly stuff all over our house. I hate that I had to take the tank off the toilet to get the stuff off the wall and the toilet won't be usable til we paint the room b/c otherwise we'd have to take it off, put it on, etc. ANNOYING. I told Ed that our next room to paint is that bathroom and we're using the same stuff that we did in the living room b/c we have it around. Stonehouse, Ben Moore. I do something different when we redo the bathroom entirely at a later date.

So the weekend agenda is no longer the Pet Expo (damnit) but painting, sanding, and priming. I'd rather go stroll around the dogs.

Andy was over today and was his usual non-proactive help except for toilet tank removal and he was able to get the fixtures off the ceiling in the bathroom. He left after 3 hours (incl a lunch break) b/c he had plans that I didn't enquire about. When it comes to Andy, ignorance is bliss.

I think Mimi is coming over tomorrow to help with the painting but will probably just watch Mike as we putz with the house. Fine with me b/c someone has to do it. I do hope that Ed makes it a priority to get the childlocks on the cabinets (esp the bar which I'm really sick of having to put back together!) and the babygates. I doubt it though... There's got to be a service out there that will do the stuff for me. Somewhere.

Next week's plans are the usual activities (MyGym and Kindermusik) with Mike and I have a LFAI Board meeting on Tuesday. Dreading the meeting for some reason but I'm going out with MKP before hand which makes it easier. Mike also has a playgroup at a friend's house which will be fun. I just need to remember how to get there-- last time mapquest gave me terrible directions and the neighborhood is full of winding streets. Awful. But we haven't seen them for 2 weeks, so it will be nice to get together. I don't know what Ed's up to, if he's oncall or anything. Odin has great plans to persuade me to keep going for walks, despite the falling temps. I am really hoping to make a GSD file of the WordWorld dog and Big Bird and to learn how to make the really detailed files. Oh, Monday I'm going to talk with the personal training coordinator at the gym to get started with a trainer. After trying on new jeans and seeing the muffin top that was overflowing, I think it's time to do something about it. ;) The gym is 2.5 miles away too, so I have no excuse. They have daycare that's great and good yoga teachers and all the good stuff so really, again, no excuse. I think my problems are that I just like food too much and I simply am not fond of working out! The thought is though that if pay someone to make me go to the gym, then I'll go, and if I keep a food record I'll peel off the extra fluff. The record is really the only thing that's worked well in the past, so... I digress.

Ed wants to get to Home Depot soon so I need to get my face on and find some shoes for Mike and me. Maybe I'll just send the boys and go take a nap... mmm, sleep...

Introduction

Per a request from The Ice Princess (you know who you are) out west, I am now making a blog for all to read. It will consist primarily of my day-to-day life with random musings and other writing and photos interspursed. There will be antecdotes to make you laugh and cry. Sometimes you might even be inspired to send a story to a friend. Feel free.

So... I guess if this is the beginning I should introduce myself. Though to do so, I need to figure out who I am and that just gets waaaaaaay to philosophical for where my little mind is at right now. The basic is that I am a mid 30's "stay at home mom and wife". I live in suburban Chicago with my husband, almost 1 yr old son, our dog (Odin) and our 2 cats (Hannibal and Gabby). We are by no means Ozzie and Harriet, though we aren't Ted and Peg Bundy either. I'd say closer to Fred and Wilma... but I don't have her figure. I am educated, went to a big 10 university and my blood runs green from it. I even have a master's but will be the 1st to say that the only thing my time in grad school got me, education wise, was I grew up socially and spiritually. Going to Orono, Maine for 15 mths will change anyone permanently; I was not immune. I am, technically, a registered dietitian though I haven't practiced in years and don't ever intent on going back to it. I use my education now just to help me in the kitchen (my favorite room in the house... ok, it needs to be redone, but I still could just live in there). I absolutely love food and cooking and feeding people the food I make and will tout that I'm possibly the best cook I know that's not professionally trained (close 2nd to a few people whom I know dearly). I love being crafty, taking pictures, being with my girlies, smelling the spring air, laughing with Michael (my son), and cuddling on the couch with the dog. Yes, I love my husband. I tend to over explain. I tend to be tangential. I tend to ramble. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have paid the price for it time and time again. I am stubborn and can be self-righteous. I stand up for what I believe in. I am passionate. I have lupus and tell people, not because I want sympathy or pitty but because they need to know about the disease. I don't like drama in my life but I love gossip. I hold my friends close and tight. I like my alone time but don't like to be lonely. I get annoyed by stupid people or when people don't pay attention when they should. Igorance is one thing (I'm ignorant when it comes to a lot of things, stupid I am not though), stupid is just a pain. I have about a dozen tv shows that I watch regularly. I tivo most of them. My favorite color is orange but I don't like everything I own to be it. It's more of an accent color to me. I am loyal. I worry more than I should. I cry easily. I'm obsessive about the way I run the house-- it kinda freaks Ed out I think. I refuse to ever mow the lawn. I can't keep plants alive except for shamrocks and a single philadendron. I regret things and I carry some old bitter grudges but am hoping to work through those to realize that they have made me who I am today. There are people I want to tell off and I know I never will. There are people I want to tell that I love and I never will. I am impulsive. I am a Taurus. I have not one single gray hair but I have wrinkles and scars and a tattoo. I want Botox and a boob lift and a scar revision. I could go on all night.

That, folks, is the tip of the iceberg but I think gives you a good starting picture.