The bitter battle over forgiveness

This is long. Sorry. I will post the recipe for the comfort food later, the stuff I plan on cuddling up with later today. Good Asian Chicken Noodle Soup.

I am wondering and hoping that if, by writing, I can work out in my mind this emotional tug-o-war going on. The back story: Will died. Many many many people were there for us in ways I couldn't imagine, doing wonderful things. There were also people who basically did nothing. Nada, zip, zilch. Or maybe they just posted a condolences comment on my FaceBook wall, or told my mom or dad how sorry they were. Something little, and what I could say is the "knee jerk reaction" to finding out someone died. But a child? How do you not react bigger and bolder? There were people who actually stopped talking to us. (Crazy! But God's way of purging our life of the icky people that needed to go upfront.) Ed reacts one way to these MIA people that are still sort of around: Fuck 'em. He really wants nothing to do with anyone who was not supportive, and to a degree I don't blame him. Then there's me... I have a more forgiving attitude but usually only from the people who I didn't expect to comfort us. Like I judge everyone individually. Where do you stand in my life? How often do we talk? How hard would it have been to drive into Lake Forest that morning in the snow storm to pay condolences? Have you usually been there for me? Did you, too, lose a child? Are you someone who I would/could accept growing apart from over this? Are you someone I *want* to stay close to? Have you crossed me before? How much drama's in your life and can I deal with keeping your drama and dealing with my new drama?



In this digital age, our relationships with people are so different. We know what's up with people easier, can send a quick note, a photo, a video, in the drop of a hat. We feel closer because we know what's going on, but is there the personal emotion attached? Not always. It's like watching reality tv (Housewives type, not Survivor) but you've met the person in some capacity. So strange and really hard for me, perpetual wearer of the heart on the sleeve, to not hold people closer than they hold me. So there's that, the shuffling and dealing of the friendships and acquaintances, PW (post Will).



I have come up upon this battle of emotions recently when challenged to be compassionate towards someone who I know, but not enough to call on the phone without hunting around online for a phone number, maybe calling someone or 2 first to get said number, but whom I know would be pleasant and happy and appreciative to hear from me. They weren't there for me when Will died, but I didn't expect them to be. Or did I? It's the battle of my heart vs my gut vs my head. Do I be there for them in the capacity that society recommends (card, flowers, small gift, phone call, etc) or do I let it ride with just a small note and move on, since that's the level of support I got during my drama? My heart says reach out like you like people to do to you (Golden Rule, do onto others...). My gut says screw 'em and do nothing. My head says find a happy medium. Not that I'm really one to do religious quotes, but the Lord's Prayer even says to "Forgive us for our sins as we forgive those who have tresspassed against us." So if I follow my heart or head, ignoring my gut, am I also seeking forgiveness in the sense that I am now ok with them not being there for me when Will died? You can see the conundrum here, right? I know I can be ok with our relationship, but I know damn well that the sadness will take much longer to lift. Not just this time, with this person, but with so many others. I worry that if I follow my gut and do nothing, I will become this ugly bitter jaded person that I do not like, even though my relationship with this person really hasn't changed. Maybe in my head it would have though. It's like some kind of weird game that only time can work out I think. Or I need to just pick one and go with it and suck up the consequences if I don't like them. Things won't get worse I know that... The "old" me would have gone with my heart. But I am not that person I used to be.

Clear as mud, huh?