I fee like crap today. Honestly. I went to bed with hives (a strange thing that's been happening lately, go figure, stress I think) and woke up with a lovely cold that was bubbling at 7am and now, at 10:30, it's at a rolling boil. I expect it to boil over at about 4. When I feel like this, I go for food that feels good to eat. About 2 years ago I came across a noodle soup recipe in a Nigella Lawson cookbook that I fell in love with. Chicken noodle soup but better. More flavorful, a little spice, a lot of noodles, a little different on the veggies. We make a lot of Asian foods in our house, probably because they are so stinkin' easy. I keep bags of frozen mixed Asian veggies in the freezer and various noodles including udon, ramen, and rice, in the pantry. I don't keep real stock on hand because I just don't have the freezer space. I use Better Than Boullion. So, here's my take on Ms Lawson's noodle bowl...
6oz of your choice of Asian noodles (I use 2 packs of ramen usually, WITHOUT the seasoning pack)
3 cups of your favorite broth or stock (make it coordinate with your chosen protein)
2T soy sauce
1t brown sugar (light or dark)
1t Chinese 5 spice powder
1t fresh ginger (FRESH!)
3C of mixed Asian veggies (frozen pre mixed, thawed and drained, or a combo of stuff like bok choi, shitake shrooms, shredded carrots, scallions,sprouts, snap peas, baby corn, water chestnuts, etc)
a small handful of frsh cilantro, chopped or torn
Bring broth/stock, combined with spices, to a boil.
Add noodles and cook according to package directions.
For frozen veggies: Lower heat to medium and add veggies. warm til heated through.
For fresh: Add veggies while it's boiling and simmer about 3-5 minutes or til they are cooked to your liking.
Either way, add the cilantro right before serving.
Enjoy and thanks Nigella.
Stories about food, raising kids, being married, managing a home, a life lived and the journey to find myself from this stay-at-home-mom who often feels pulled in a million directions, or, OVERSCHEDULED
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The bitter battle over forgiveness
This is long. Sorry. I will post the recipe for the comfort food later, the stuff I plan on cuddling up with later today. Good Asian Chicken Noodle Soup.
I am wondering and hoping that if, by writing, I can work out in my mind this emotional tug-o-war going on. The back story: Will died. Many many many people were there for us in ways I couldn't imagine, doing wonderful things. There were also people who basically did nothing. Nada, zip, zilch. Or maybe they just posted a condolences comment on my FaceBook wall, or told my mom or dad how sorry they were. Something little, and what I could say is the "knee jerk reaction" to finding out someone died. But a child? How do you not react bigger and bolder? There were people who actually stopped talking to us. (Crazy! But God's way of purging our life of the icky people that needed to go upfront.) Ed reacts one way to these MIA people that are still sort of around: Fuck 'em. He really wants nothing to do with anyone who was not supportive, and to a degree I don't blame him. Then there's me... I have a more forgiving attitude but usually only from the people who I didn't expect to comfort us. Like I judge everyone individually. Where do you stand in my life? How often do we talk? How hard would it have been to drive into Lake Forest that morning in the snow storm to pay condolences? Have you usually been there for me? Did you, too, lose a child? Are you someone who I would/could accept growing apart from over this? Are you someone I *want* to stay close to? Have you crossed me before? How much drama's in your life and can I deal with keeping your drama and dealing with my new drama?
In this digital age, our relationships with people are so different. We know what's up with people easier, can send a quick note, a photo, a video, in the drop of a hat. We feel closer because we know what's going on, but is there the personal emotion attached? Not always. It's like watching reality tv (Housewives type, not Survivor) but you've met the person in some capacity. So strange and really hard for me, perpetual wearer of the heart on the sleeve, to not hold people closer than they hold me. So there's that, the shuffling and dealing of the friendships and acquaintances, PW (post Will).
I have come up upon this battle of emotions recently when challenged to be compassionate towards someone who I know, but not enough to call on the phone without hunting around online for a phone number, maybe calling someone or 2 first to get said number, but whom I know would be pleasant and happy and appreciative to hear from me. They weren't there for me when Will died, but I didn't expect them to be. Or did I? It's the battle of my heart vs my gut vs my head. Do I be there for them in the capacity that society recommends (card, flowers, small gift, phone call, etc) or do I let it ride with just a small note and move on, since that's the level of support I got during my drama? My heart says reach out like you like people to do to you (Golden Rule, do onto others...). My gut says screw 'em and do nothing. My head says find a happy medium. Not that I'm really one to do religious quotes, but the Lord's Prayer even says to "Forgive us for our sins as we forgive those who have tresspassed against us." So if I follow my heart or head, ignoring my gut, am I also seeking forgiveness in the sense that I am now ok with them not being there for me when Will died? You can see the conundrum here, right? I know I can be ok with our relationship, but I know damn well that the sadness will take much longer to lift. Not just this time, with this person, but with so many others. I worry that if I follow my gut and do nothing, I will become this ugly bitter jaded person that I do not like, even though my relationship with this person really hasn't changed. Maybe in my head it would have though. It's like some kind of weird game that only time can work out I think. Or I need to just pick one and go with it and suck up the consequences if I don't like them. Things won't get worse I know that... The "old" me would have gone with my heart. But I am not that person I used to be.
Clear as mud, huh?
I am wondering and hoping that if, by writing, I can work out in my mind this emotional tug-o-war going on. The back story: Will died. Many many many people were there for us in ways I couldn't imagine, doing wonderful things. There were also people who basically did nothing. Nada, zip, zilch. Or maybe they just posted a condolences comment on my FaceBook wall, or told my mom or dad how sorry they were. Something little, and what I could say is the "knee jerk reaction" to finding out someone died. But a child? How do you not react bigger and bolder? There were people who actually stopped talking to us. (Crazy! But God's way of purging our life of the icky people that needed to go upfront.) Ed reacts one way to these MIA people that are still sort of around: Fuck 'em. He really wants nothing to do with anyone who was not supportive, and to a degree I don't blame him. Then there's me... I have a more forgiving attitude but usually only from the people who I didn't expect to comfort us. Like I judge everyone individually. Where do you stand in my life? How often do we talk? How hard would it have been to drive into Lake Forest that morning in the snow storm to pay condolences? Have you usually been there for me? Did you, too, lose a child? Are you someone who I would/could accept growing apart from over this? Are you someone I *want* to stay close to? Have you crossed me before? How much drama's in your life and can I deal with keeping your drama and dealing with my new drama?
In this digital age, our relationships with people are so different. We know what's up with people easier, can send a quick note, a photo, a video, in the drop of a hat. We feel closer because we know what's going on, but is there the personal emotion attached? Not always. It's like watching reality tv (Housewives type, not Survivor) but you've met the person in some capacity. So strange and really hard for me, perpetual wearer of the heart on the sleeve, to not hold people closer than they hold me. So there's that, the shuffling and dealing of the friendships and acquaintances, PW (post Will).
I have come up upon this battle of emotions recently when challenged to be compassionate towards someone who I know, but not enough to call on the phone without hunting around online for a phone number, maybe calling someone or 2 first to get said number, but whom I know would be pleasant and happy and appreciative to hear from me. They weren't there for me when Will died, but I didn't expect them to be. Or did I? It's the battle of my heart vs my gut vs my head. Do I be there for them in the capacity that society recommends (card, flowers, small gift, phone call, etc) or do I let it ride with just a small note and move on, since that's the level of support I got during my drama? My heart says reach out like you like people to do to you (Golden Rule, do onto others...). My gut says screw 'em and do nothing. My head says find a happy medium. Not that I'm really one to do religious quotes, but the Lord's Prayer even says to "Forgive us for our sins as we forgive those who have tresspassed against us." So if I follow my heart or head, ignoring my gut, am I also seeking forgiveness in the sense that I am now ok with them not being there for me when Will died? You can see the conundrum here, right? I know I can be ok with our relationship, but I know damn well that the sadness will take much longer to lift. Not just this time, with this person, but with so many others. I worry that if I follow my gut and do nothing, I will become this ugly bitter jaded person that I do not like, even though my relationship with this person really hasn't changed. Maybe in my head it would have though. It's like some kind of weird game that only time can work out I think. Or I need to just pick one and go with it and suck up the consequences if I don't like them. Things won't get worse I know that... The "old" me would have gone with my heart. But I am not that person I used to be.
Clear as mud, huh?
Monday, September 20, 2010
It hasn't been 2 years
...but close since I last posted anything. Sad, pathetic and even a cop out on my part to stick with something. We all know the writing is good for my soul, so here I sit, making a promise to the world to keep up with this project til I decide I have written enough.
I have to explain where I've been, the journey life took me on 2 years ago when we last spoke. I need to get out the whole story of Will's death, the PTSD that soon was to follow, the continued fertility woes, the surprise pregnancy and birth of Christopher, the amazing frosting recipe I found, my experiment with fondant, my love-hate relationships with Rachel Ray, the smoker, and the yard, the 8 million tomato plants and 1 pumpkin gone terribly wild, and so many other things. But the above I promise to clue you in on in the next week or so. You will laugh and cry with me, I can tell you that. Then again, if you know me at all, you already do that. You'll just do it again.
PS: The blog headder is a serious work in progress. I can't get the sizing correct. Bear with me and I'll get it sometime in say, the next 2 years.
I have to explain where I've been, the journey life took me on 2 years ago when we last spoke. I need to get out the whole story of Will's death, the PTSD that soon was to follow, the continued fertility woes, the surprise pregnancy and birth of Christopher, the amazing frosting recipe I found, my experiment with fondant, my love-hate relationships with Rachel Ray, the smoker, and the yard, the 8 million tomato plants and 1 pumpkin gone terribly wild, and so many other things. But the above I promise to clue you in on in the next week or so. You will laugh and cry with me, I can tell you that. Then again, if you know me at all, you already do that. You'll just do it again.
PS: The blog headder is a serious work in progress. I can't get the sizing correct. Bear with me and I'll get it sometime in say, the next 2 years.
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