The bitter battle over forgiveness

This is long. Sorry. I will post the recipe for the comfort food later, the stuff I plan on cuddling up with later today. Good Asian Chicken Noodle Soup.

I am wondering and hoping that if, by writing, I can work out in my mind this emotional tug-o-war going on. The back story: Will died. Many many many people were there for us in ways I couldn't imagine, doing wonderful things. There were also people who basically did nothing. Nada, zip, zilch. Or maybe they just posted a condolences comment on my FaceBook wall, or told my mom or dad how sorry they were. Something little, and what I could say is the "knee jerk reaction" to finding out someone died. But a child? How do you not react bigger and bolder? There were people who actually stopped talking to us. (Crazy! But God's way of purging our life of the icky people that needed to go upfront.) Ed reacts one way to these MIA people that are still sort of around: Fuck 'em. He really wants nothing to do with anyone who was not supportive, and to a degree I don't blame him. Then there's me... I have a more forgiving attitude but usually only from the people who I didn't expect to comfort us. Like I judge everyone individually. Where do you stand in my life? How often do we talk? How hard would it have been to drive into Lake Forest that morning in the snow storm to pay condolences? Have you usually been there for me? Did you, too, lose a child? Are you someone who I would/could accept growing apart from over this? Are you someone I *want* to stay close to? Have you crossed me before? How much drama's in your life and can I deal with keeping your drama and dealing with my new drama?



In this digital age, our relationships with people are so different. We know what's up with people easier, can send a quick note, a photo, a video, in the drop of a hat. We feel closer because we know what's going on, but is there the personal emotion attached? Not always. It's like watching reality tv (Housewives type, not Survivor) but you've met the person in some capacity. So strange and really hard for me, perpetual wearer of the heart on the sleeve, to not hold people closer than they hold me. So there's that, the shuffling and dealing of the friendships and acquaintances, PW (post Will).



I have come up upon this battle of emotions recently when challenged to be compassionate towards someone who I know, but not enough to call on the phone without hunting around online for a phone number, maybe calling someone or 2 first to get said number, but whom I know would be pleasant and happy and appreciative to hear from me. They weren't there for me when Will died, but I didn't expect them to be. Or did I? It's the battle of my heart vs my gut vs my head. Do I be there for them in the capacity that society recommends (card, flowers, small gift, phone call, etc) or do I let it ride with just a small note and move on, since that's the level of support I got during my drama? My heart says reach out like you like people to do to you (Golden Rule, do onto others...). My gut says screw 'em and do nothing. My head says find a happy medium. Not that I'm really one to do religious quotes, but the Lord's Prayer even says to "Forgive us for our sins as we forgive those who have tresspassed against us." So if I follow my heart or head, ignoring my gut, am I also seeking forgiveness in the sense that I am now ok with them not being there for me when Will died? You can see the conundrum here, right? I know I can be ok with our relationship, but I know damn well that the sadness will take much longer to lift. Not just this time, with this person, but with so many others. I worry that if I follow my gut and do nothing, I will become this ugly bitter jaded person that I do not like, even though my relationship with this person really hasn't changed. Maybe in my head it would have though. It's like some kind of weird game that only time can work out I think. Or I need to just pick one and go with it and suck up the consequences if I don't like them. Things won't get worse I know that... The "old" me would have gone with my heart. But I am not that person I used to be.

Clear as mud, huh?

It hasn't been 2 years

...but close since I last posted anything. Sad, pathetic and even a cop out on my part to stick with something. We all know the writing is good for my soul, so here I sit, making a promise to the world to keep up with this project til I decide I have written enough.

I have to explain where I've been, the journey life took me on 2 years ago when we last spoke. I need to get out the whole story of Will's death, the PTSD that soon was to follow, the continued fertility woes, the surprise pregnancy and birth of Christopher, the amazing frosting recipe I found, my experiment with fondant, my love-hate relationships with Rachel Ray, the smoker, and the yard, the 8 million tomato plants and 1 pumpkin gone terribly wild, and so many other things. But the above I promise to clue you in on in the next week or so. You will laugh and cry with me, I can tell you that. Then again, if you know me at all, you already do that. You'll just do it again.

PS: The blog headder is a serious work in progress. I can't get the sizing correct. Bear with me and I'll get it sometime in say, the next 2 years.

The Countdown List

10 Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
-See my kids grown up and happy
-Travel Europe
-Be caught up on my albums
-be off all my lupus meds
-be at peace with everyone in my family
-read 10 or more of "The Classics"
-workout regularly
-stay at my ideal weight
-feel accomplished
-have my home exactly how we want it

9 Places I Last Spent Money:
-Target
-dry cleaners
-Walgreens
-Nibble's Play Cafe
-Dominick's
-Domino's
-Jimmy John's
-Fresh Market
-MyGym

8 Sounds I Routinely Hear Around My House:
-TV
-Dog licking/scratching/the occasional woof
-Mikey
-Ed's pager
-Microwave beep
-Computer humming
-Locuts (day) and Crickets (night)
-Fish tank filter

7 Real Restaurants Where I Last Ate Out:
- Buffalo diner
-Carlos'
-Ordered in: Jimmy Johns
-Ordered in: Domino's
-Nibbles Play Cafe
-McDonald's
-Noodles

6 Things I've Recently Scratched Off My To-Do List:
- paying bills
- cleaners
-Target
-Vacuuming
-Going to the SSA
-Accepting Will's situation

5 People Would Like to Be With Right Now:
- Sarah
-Renee
-Marcy (FL)
-Kim
-Marisa

4 Songs That Make Me Happy:
-Mmm Bop (yes, really)
-Like a Prayer
-Tempted
-At Last

3 Things I Hate To Do:
-clean
-change poopy diapers
-get up in the morning

2 Things I'm Really Good At:
-entertaining/throwing parties
-cooking

1 Bad Habit:

-My diet Coke or Coke Zero consumption

Walk with me?

I somehow have put off forming my "team" for this year's lupus walk. Perhaps I've been preoccupied. Perhaps it's because I myself can hardly walk to the bathroom, let alone a mile. Perhaps it's b/c of the drama, but whatever it is, I need to do it. I need to be one of the hundreds (thousands?) walking downtown on Sept 6th. I had grand aspirations about 3 months ago of having a bunch of people with me to celebrate my 25th Anniversary of fighting lupus... and it got put on the back burner. I've done nothing besides thought about it occasionally. Very occasionally if that. But the fact of the matter is that probably the night of the 5th, I'll register for the walk, make plans with Ed and the little man to trek to the city, don my shirt from last year or the year before, and hobble a mile. I am not going to ask people to give money-- we already did that with the honorarium. I would just like it if I had a whole boat-load of people there with me. We could make a party out of it or something.

So if you want to join me, send me a comment, visit this website http://walkforlupusnowil2008.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=274110 and let me know where to meet you. It's always good to do things with friends, yk?

Off to get another steroid shot, take *more* tylenol, and hit the sack. Remind me to buy stock in Tylenol, btw...

The man I married is...

How long have you been married? not quite 6 Years
How long did you date? 18 months, exactly
How old is he? 36
Who eats more? Him
Who said I love you first? He did.
Who is taller? Him. Everyone's taller than me!
Who sings better? tough call. He has a good singing voice.
Who's temper is worse? I'm meaner when I'm upset, but he's got the short fuse
Who does the laundry? Always me, all of it.
Who pays the bills? me
Who cooks dinner? 80% me, 15% the cooks at the restaurant, 5% him
Who mows the lawn? He does. I wish a lawn service did b/c it's 2 1/2 hrs out of our weekend!
Who wears the pants in the family? me, though he'll argue that til the sheep come home, and they stay out later than cows. ;)

You REALLY want to know?

No one ever seems to "get" what a lupus flare feels like so, seeing as I'm pretty well acquainted with mine at the moment, I thought I'd fill you in...

1. Open eyes and stand in front of a fan on high for 10 minutes. Do not blink or look away. When 10 minutes is over and your eyes feel like stinging crunchy little balls and hurt worse when you cry, you can move away from the blowing air.

2. Slam your fingers in the car door then put on big Mickey Mouse type gloves. Try to pick up a toddler. Oh, and stop using your thumbs all together so you can grip like the cat-- the declawed cat. Remember, your thumb joint right by your palm has gotten slammed in that car door!

3. Get kicked in the side of the knee, both of them. Hips too, but the inside part. Hard to kick, I know, but that's where the pain is. After the shock of the pain when you bend your joint, slice it open and pour sand inside your knee so that it hurts even more.

4. Twist both ankles severely so it hurts like hell to put your weight on them. Don't reach for crutches-- they won't help and you can't use them anyway.

5. Drop bricks on your feet so they swell.

6. Slice open your feet and put little marbles under the skin so that when you walk (if you can) it always feels like you're walking on rocks, er, marbles.

7. Don't sleep for 3 days straight. Feel the exhaustion? Ok, now that will be the level that you live with despite 10 hrs of sleep at night plus naps. You can not catch up no matter how hard you try.

8. Get punched in the jaw so that your jaw joint swells and you can't shut your mouth. Try to eat/chew.

9. Tie your ribs together (surgical procedure done at the kitchen table ;) ) with razor wire and put an anvil on your chest. When you try to breathe, it will cause you excruciating pain which is a million times worse when you lie down. Have fun sleeping! And fwiw, you'll have problems ever eating ribs again for as long as you live.

How to get rid of it? Wait. None of the meds ever really work anyway, so just wait and pray for relief. Pray for sympathy which won't come b/c you still have your hair and there's not a descently popular celebrity out there that is campaigning for your cause. Wait til it goes away before the meds that might work cause you more harm than good.

Lupus is real and I hate it with every ounce of my being. HATE IT.

Scared and worried.

I need prayers for me and my baby. I have lupus and found out yesterday that I'm making, albeit in small amounts, the antibodies that can harm the baby's electrical system in his heart. :( There is NOTHING we can do. NOTHING. NADA ZIP ZILCH. I can't take a bunch of immunosuppressants or steroids b/c a) the side effects might cause preterm labor and b) a lot of the immunosuppressants you can't take in pregnancy b/c they're chemo drugs. I am convinced that if there is something wrong with this baby it is my fault even though there's nothing I can do to change my situation other than pray that I stop, out of nowhere, making the antibodies. I'm stuck. We're going to monitor the baby's heartbeat weekly-- we bought/rented a dopler with a recorder in it so if there's something odd that we hear, we can play it back for the dr. DH at least knows what to listen for, but takes the "tough love" approach with me, telling me I'm over reacting and to stop acting like a basket case. There was no taking me in his arms and telling me it's all going to be ok. Infact there never is that sort of love from him, so that's kinda putting a stress on this whole thing. I pointed out to him that I dealt with him being an anxious mess for like 3mths before his boards so he can deal with me for a little while, but he just wasn't and isn't there in the way I need and I don't know if he has it in him to be what I need even though I tell him what I need in a million different ways, hoping one of the ways will be comprehendable. When he left for Boston today I could hardly kiss him good-bye and when he called this evening he didn't tell me that he loved me. I have a pit in my stomach that's hugely cavernous from all of this. I need him right now, but not the him that he's being.

UGH. I'm going to bed b/c it's the place where I won't perseverate on this.